I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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