I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
