so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
