apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
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I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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