Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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