My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
