There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
