I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
