I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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