non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
