I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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