I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I don't think brook has ever known best
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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