I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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