well I can't set my house on fire every night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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