I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
