I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Randomize
