Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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