some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
