youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
barbara walters just said penis...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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