My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
