i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
