So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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