I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO