if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.