You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
