Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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