I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
