Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
