i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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