just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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