Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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