Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.