I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
