Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.