if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
