Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
