Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
