Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
