apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
