I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
