I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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