I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
