Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
