I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
