I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
