I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
