WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
