Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Couch. On fire.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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