My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I believe in your delicious
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
