On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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