upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
