not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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