nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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