connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
