remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
