you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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