I'd wear matching sweaters with you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
