Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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