We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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