By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
