I accidentally had phone sex last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize