he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
3pm strippers are depressing
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
